This was written over a year ago. I'm cleaning up my website and there's no place for this anymore. It's a good review, though so I don't want to lose it.
( Red Sonja )I just watched this movie for the first time in about ten years. And it's just as much fun now as it was then.
Before, it was fun because of all the cool sword fights, the moving dialogue, the fact that there was a kid about my age, the redheaded woman in next to no clothing.
Now, it's cool because of the cliche'd swordfighting, hilarious dialogue, heavy lesbian theme ... and redheaded woman in next to no clothing.
The more things change, the more they stay the same ...
I laughed my ass off, I really did. But not in a *bad* way, and a lot of the dialogue is actually rather good, but the acting leads a bit to be desired. To be honest, as is the case in far too many movies, the best acting came from the 'seconds' -- notably Sandahl Bergman, Pat Roach (who I admit I love from Willow), Paul Smith, and Ronald Lacey. To me, Sandahl (Gedran) and Falkon stand out above the rest as being the performances that I bought into the most, even now.
A funny little tidbit ... a friend of mine once watched Red Sonja, then came on line to ask me what happened to Gedron's daughter. She apparently missed the beginning ... plus any interaction with Gedren and Sonja. So I had to explain to my very straight, very Christian friend that it wasn't Gedren's daughter.
Even at the tender age of around 6 when the movie came out, I had worked out that Gedren didn't want Sonja as a tiddlywinks partner.
I've often heard that clothing means a lot as to whether someone's a good guy or a bad guy. Like how the good guys in Buffy (particularly the Wish-verse) are called "White hats" ... It can be concluded then, from this movie, that clothes are evil. Cuz Gedren had all that lovely skintight/shiny flowy stuff and Sonja had ... some scraps of metal. And a big fur lined red robe.
Oh, oh! And something else that I found hilarious right from the getgo. If you've ever seen Heavy Metal you'll get what I mean by saying that the plot of Red Sonja involved destroying the lock-nar. Er, I mean the Talisman. Big green pulsy glowing thing that inevitably leads to evil ... No, that's not the lock-nar, not at *all* ...
And Ahrnie's character wasn't Conan, either. (Actually, he was *supposed* to be Conan, in the books, they take place in the same world but they couldn't get the copyright so they just changed his name)
A few especially memorable points ...
Sonja wants to get to Burkubane ("The Land of Perpetual Night") and is told that "There's the long scenic route, and there's the short way through Brytag's Toll Road." (Some of the cool dialogue is Falkon telling her that the toll road is "Straight north of here, you can't miss it ... but it's worth a try.") So she rides off to the toll road, kills Brytag, fights her way out of his hundred or so guards with the help of Conan, sorry, Kalidor, who stays behind to fend them off. Then, she runs smack into ... the prince and Falkon! If they - being a snotty litlte prince and his flunky -- can get on *the other side* of the toll road in the same amount of time it took her to get *through* why didn't Falkon just ... tell her the way he would have gone?
The three arrive in Burkubane, The Land of Perpetual Night. And it's not just a name, this point was illustrated quite clearly when they arrived at the border, because it was very bright midday on one side of the Standard Lava Moat o' Evil (tm) and very dark night on the other side.
So they've gotten into Burkubane ... And after fighting the mechanical croc, they take a little break (where Sonja puts a bandage, apparently, on Conan's *armour* but I digress) ... then they have a little fight ... all of this in broad daylight. Normally not a problem, but they're in Burkubane ... The Land of Perpetual Night. I know that shooting at night is an effort but I also know that it's not very hard to filter the footage a little to at least make it look like you're *pretending.*
At the beginning, the high priestess, who has this spiffy gold thing on her robe, is killed by a throwing star. In and of itself not unrealistic. but the star honestly doesn't look like it penetrated her clothing, let alone enough of her skin that she keels over dead, on the spot.
And I have to say that for a woman of obvious lesbian tendencies, Gedren doesn't take nearly enough hot, sexy priesty prisoners. I mean, meow! The priestesses could *fight* which means they have wonderfully toned bodies. Now, granted, they'll probably never make good pleasure slaves but damn, chain them up and just look at them, woman! Sheesh. Just wasteful. (Seldom does a movie pass up a chance to show off hot woman-flesh)
And while I said above Sonja didn't wear much ... Well, she doesn't, BUT ... this is a rare case where the MOVIE version is actually more conservative. In the book, she really did wear a skimpy mockery of armor -- in mockery of those who wore sixty pounds of plate and still got skewered.
Given the number of folks we see when we see, supposedly, Gedren's Army, I have to conclude that the talisman is powerful enough to reduce her own required fighting force to about twenty schmucks. And it shrinks gold, too, because if you were to take over an entire kingdom, it would take more than twenty geeks on horseback to carry your booty home, especially if prisoners are involved.
Links
Red Sonja @ The Internet Movie Database
Some Red Sonja Screen Caps
Talisman vs. Loc-Nar
The Talisman supposedly created the world, or "can destroy it by storm and earthquake" and is generally a weapon rather than a tool. Gedren, of course, wants to use it for pure evil. It's green and pulsey and has a thing for chicks. ("Only women may touch it.") The Loc-Nar, from the original Heavy Metal movie, is ultimate evil incarnate, and destroys and fucks with worlds and people - but not everyone. It's green and pulsey and has a thing for chicks.
Queen Gedren vs. Cruella de Ville
When I saw Gedron's half black half gold outfit I cracked up and for the rest of the movie, every time she came on in that outfit I was humming to myself. "Cruella de ville, Cruella de ville, if she doesn't scare you, no evil thing will ... Cruella, Cruella de ville"
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br0k3nsoul
there's a prompt challenge for every day of the month. The whole list has been posted, which I've been perusing and noodling with and came up with a few ideas.
